Favorite flavor of suffering

I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours

(2 min read)

At an event in 2017, Tony Robbins asked us a question that surprised me and stuck with me:

What’s your favorite flavor of suffering?

He explained that we have thoughts that play on loop in our head.

Grooves in our brain carved out by our habits.

He recommends:

Create highways to gratitude and dirt roads to worry.

I programmed my phone to occasionally remind me of his recommendation (sprinkled among my other favorite mindset tips).

Everyone has an “emotional home” and will interpret their life to “go back home.”

Even if their home sucks, everyone wants to return to what they know.

He said that most people unfortunately have “a highway to pain”.

You know people who are pissed off, always?

Everything can be going great, but they’ll still simply look for a reason to be pissed off, just to feel comfortable.

You can move your emotional home if you do it with intention.

Let’s think about this unusual question Tony asked.

Browse this wheel of emotions, and note which ones are your most common experience.

Feelings Wheel from Dr. Gloria Wilcox

Are you often feeling bored?

Inadequate?

Persecuted?

Skeptical?

Courageous?

Inspired?

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On this particular wheel, I see 89 emotions.

61 are negative.

19 are positive.

9 are “surprised”.

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Which ones are on speed-dial for you?

My answer:

1. Frustrated

2. Disappointed

3. Disrespected / slighted

Those are my top hits.

But I’d rather expel them from my jukebox.

And replace them with ones like:

• Loving

• Thankful

• Playful

• Trusting

• Optimistic

• Creative

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Tony’s follow-up questions

What triggers it?

What are the chances it will happen?

Tony said:

With 32 companies and so many employees, I have a 100% chance that every time I look at my phone, someone will be messing something up and not be doing what I want.

I need to DECIDE that that is not what determines my happiness vs suffering.

He told us:

There are 3 causes of suffering:

• Loss

  • relationship

  • possessions

  • job

  • etc

• Less

  • comparing present to past

  • comparing self to others

• Never

  • stuck in “all or nothing” thinking

All suffering is based on thoughts that are illusions or expectations (which are also illusions).

What is the antidote to suffering?

1. Trade expectations for appreciation.

2. Focus on fulfillment instead of achievement.

3. Remind yourself: “The. Story. Is. Not. Over!”

4. Do anything loving ➔ suffering ends immediately.

Let’s put it in practice

This weekend, our 2008 Toyota Prius started throwing a bunch of errors and driving slower:

Our scary dashboard right now

My default mode when thinking about our Prius is to feel—you guessed it!— frustrated, disappointed, and slighted / cheated.

I’ve often felt like its designers deliberately looked for ways to make the car mysterious, inconvenient, and error-prone.

(For example, instead of a normal fuel tank, they chose to create a soft fuel bladder which sometimes squirts gasoline back out at you while you’re trying to fill it! 🤦‍♂️)

But the truth is more nuanced.

And the negative story I’ve allowed to run wild in my head isn’t serving me.

In reality, from my research of ratings of 100 used cars compiled across Kelly Blue Book, Edmunds, Cars.com, etc, the 2008 Prius was the 4th highest average rating I could find!

There is a whole culture of Prius fanatics!

So instead of saying that the problem is the Prius (something outside of me), it’s more fair to say that my attitude is the problem.

Katie is amazing at appreciating the Prius’s great qualities.

And I’m practicing being aware of my thoughts.

So maybe I’ll let my critical judgments of the Prius float on by.

And be like Katie and smile and laugh at how the Prius is silly sometimes.

There is always more to love and to appreciate if you’re willing to shift your perspective.

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🕙 What we learned in recent posts:

🟢 How to accumulate real wealth instead of faking it

🟢 Don’t yuck my yum

🟢 Detaching from results

🟢 What happens after enlightenment

🟢 [See all posts]

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👀 Caught my eye this week:

Mesmerizing.

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