a “California yes”

What you’re missing out on

(3 min read)

“I’ll try to be there Tuesday night,” she said.

or

“Yeah, totally, I’ll probably see you this weekend” someone said another time.

When we lived in San Diego, we learned of the concept of the “California Yes”.

It’s when someone wants to say that they like the idea of some proposed future plan but don’t want to fully commit to it.

Why not?

Because in California, so many fun opportunities present themselves in the course of a week that people have a fear of missing out (FOMO) on a “better” option that might come along.

(Debatable, but that’s the idea of the phrase.)

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This experience isn’t limited to California.

I see it everywhere.

More every year.

As much as I love the internet, it’s also true that it has increased envy, greed, and FOMO.

We’re more “connected” than ever. But maybe lack real connection.

People are addicted to their devices, waiting for that next notification.

What joy might await?!

I don’t know about you, but I prefer not to be in “grass is always greener on the other side of the fence” mode.

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To ward off that pattern (and those negative emotions) requires… oh the irony… commitment.

You need to decide that your devices and your online connections aren’t going to dominate your life.

You need to sacrifice the frequent dopamine hits and also the occasional realization that maybe you really would have enjoyed that switching your plans when that late invite came in.

(E.g. recently, right after scheduling dinner with friends on our calendar, we learned that a band we’ve been excited about was going to be playing in town at the same time! “Oh man!” But we didn’t cancel on our friends.)

You need to choose where to plant a seed and nourish it and grow some roots.

And have patience.

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Commitment is uncomfortable.

It either requires grit or risk. Sometimes both.

But many of life’s rewards come only after prolonged investment.

🟢 great relationships

🟢 fitness

🟢 business / personal branding

🟢 raising a kid

🟢 making a home

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I can’t remember where I heard this idea, but I saved it and scheduled it to frequently pop up on my phone as a reminder:

Truths change over time for each person, so instead of endlessly searching for answers (e.g. ‘How can I achieve X?’), it can be more fun to just stick with something (continue a creative action for an extended duration of time without caring about results) so that you’re more focused on open-ended possibilities.

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In recent years, big commitments of mine include:

🟢 getting married

🟢 buying a house (oooo the mortgage is uncomfortable)

🟢 intense fitness programs

🟢 writing this newsletter twice a week for a year (this is #56 of 105! 😮)

🟢 career-related decisions

And we’re considering perhaps the biggest commitment of all:

🟢 having a kid

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I haven’t figured out how to enjoy and crave some of these behaviors.

In the morning, when I open my eyes and remember that it’s time to go do my fitness routine, I dread it.

While I’m doing it, I hate it.

But I know it’s healthy.

So I’m trying to stick with that habit.

Over time, eventually I’ll find a way to shift my emotions about it so that it isn’t a battle and doesn’t require as much willpower. (Ideally!)

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Interesting question from Alan Watts

I shared this before but love it so much that I’ll share again.

It helps me relax a bit.

Not take life so seriously.

Let’s suppose that you were able every night to dream any dream you wanted to dream and that you could for example have the power within one night to dream 75 years of time or any length of time you wanted to have and you would naturally (as you began on this adventure of dreams) you would fulfill all your wishes.

You would have every kind of pleasure.

And after several nights of 75 years of total pleasure each, you would say “Well, that was pretty great, but now let’s have a surprise: let’s have a dream which isn’t under control, where something is going to happen to me that I don’t know what it’s gonna be.”

[...]

Where has commitment paid off for you?

How do you manage when it’s tough?

What do you think about Watts’s ideas?

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🕙 What we learned in recent posts:

🟢 What does 20 hours a week get you?

🟢 Irrationally passionate

🟢 Favorite flavor of suffering

🟢 How to accumulate real wealth instead of faking it

🟢 [See all posts]

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Hope you’re having a great July!