🟢 Unfiltered
Rewarded for being you
(2.5 min read)
Being loved for who you are
My partner Katie and I have been together for 15 years.
I really wish everyone could experience the kind of relationship we have, if only for a short time.
From what I can tell, most people don’t experience the mutual admiration and love and respect that we do.
(I imagine the world would look quite different if it were common! 🥰)
There’s nothing like the feeling of being totally honest, raw, and open with someone and having them not just accept you but actively love you despite (or because of) who you are, what your preferences or habits are, and how you think.
Are there boundaries we haven’t crossed? Are there dark, scary corners of our minds that we haven’t ventured into? Sure.
But barely.
She really KNOWS me, sometimes more than I know myself.
Which, come to think of it, is a separate important point.
Opening up with someone isn’t just about vulnerability and the magic of feeling accepted: It’s actually a way to grow.
Because you’ll learn about yourself in the process.
It will often be painful or at least uncomfortable or scary.
But the rewards can be so fulfilling.
Masks
The masks we wear in society have been on my mind.
I’m in the process of interviewing for software engineering jobs.
Cold emails, resumes, and interviews all involve “putting your best foot forward” and leading with your strengths.
I think this is particularly difficult for people with the INTJ personality type (like me), who tend to want to be (too) thorough and fully honest.
Did I say too much?
I’m certainly not an expert in schmoozing, socializing, or getting job offers.
I accidentally blurt out what afterwards feels like I said:
“Here are some other things you should know about me right now on this very first time we’re ever meeting: I’m a moron!”
Not Tourette syndrome.
But less restraint than most people have.
Sharing too much too soon.
Small talk isn’t my jam.
Let’s go deep fast.
Integrity
integrity (noun): Adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty. The state of being whole, entire, or undiminished. From Old French integrité and directly from Latin integritatem (nominative integritas) “soundness, wholeness, completeness,” figuratively “purity, correctness, blamelessness,” from integer “whole”.
I think about this a lot.
People who are the same everywhere they go. There is 1 version of them.
There is no airbrushed / manicured / idealistic / curated social media version of themselves.
Just honest, simple, consistent, transparent.
No masks, no posturing.
How many people navigate life this way?
Not many.
That’s one of the reasons I’ve been quitting social media platforms one by one.
After all, if I want to watch someone pretending to be someone else, I’ll turn on a show and watch some good acting, like Martin Freeman in Sherlock. Right?
My gamble
Maybe I’m wrong.
It’s not like there is some scoreboard in the sky showing us who is making “the best” life decisions.
Maybe wearing various masks in order to attract dozens or hundreds of acquaintances is a smarter approach.
Or maybe it’s even possible to develop deep relationships while wearing masks.
Certainly you can generate more income that way.
But my current guess is that the world would be amazing if people were more honest with each other.
And it takes courage (or maybe social ineptitude in my case), but the good news is that vulnerability often gets rewarded.
I wrote an article once about how the advice to be “authentic” online might backfire.1
Because currently algorithms promote people’s idealized versions of themselves rather than their full selves (with their struggles, doubts, fears, and mistakes).
But in private settings at least, test it out.
Go first.
Take a risk.
Expose yourself to embarrassment, ridicule, or worse.
I highly doubt you can experience the upper bounds of emotion without it.
🕙 What we learned in recent posts:
🟢 5 mental shifts that saved my (physical) life
👀 Caught my eye this week:
Dan Harris (the news anchor who famously had a panic attack on live TV and then changed his life when he discovered meditation and created a meditation app) is CLEARLY a pro speaker.
What a great presentation! He really perfected it.
(13m40s video)
Should I keep sharing selfies in emails? Holding handwritten notes?
Inspired by someone else’s newsletter, since I liked the feel, I’ve been adding a selfie near the bottom of each of my newsletters, and I’ve always been holding a new hand-written sign for each.
But they definitely take extra effort, and I don’t know whether anyone gets a kick out of these.
Maybe it’s a waste of time (or worse, maybe it detracts from the quality of this newsletter).
I hope I get more than a couple of people to vote so that the answer is clear.
📣 Special thanks to:
for sending subscribers my way. Denis writes about money management at . Thanks, Denis!If I could find it, I’d link to it, but probably my article was on LinkedIn, which is now hibernated.
Jesus, Ryan, how could I miss this post? Thanks for the mention! Hope you're prospering :)