Why my therapist’s smile surprised me
the unexpected truth about my unclear path
(3 min read)
In my recent session with my therapist, I outlined:
✅ health and fitness
✅ relationship with life partner
✅ home
❌ career / income
❌ fun
❌ fulfillment
I told my therapist I felt solid in those first areas.
And also felt like those were most important of the list.
But I feel like I’d have much more fun if I figured out a more enjoyable and sustainable way of earning enough money to fund the lifestyle I’m used to.
And fulfillment isn’t even something that I’m caring about yet since it seems so […unachievable?] if the others aren’t settled.
He smiled and said “This is great.”
His response didn’t match the mood I was feeling.
I was confused.
“First of all, you have so much of what you want.
Also, you’re doing better than you realize.
You’re closer to having it all than you know.
Most people don’t have even this much clarity.
You at least know what’s going well and what isn’t.
In other words, you’ve done the hard work of asking the right questions.
Formulating a question well is tough.
Once you do, the answers are often simple.
Often straightforward execution of a plan.
Secondly, fulfillment is not something to postpone and assume is only available at the destination of some journey.
It’s a matter of daily habits that you haven’t rehearsed.
But you will.
You can start now.”
Then he also reframed my career struggle.
Remember in the late 1990s and early 2000s when we used paper maps?
Eventually MapQuest came out and felt luxurious.
But in both cases, you would pull your car over and flail around with these paper maps.
You didn’t criticize yourself for needing them.
You never expected to be able to effortlessly drive across a city (or further).
You knew it would take time.
There would be some confusion.
Wrong turns.
You accepted the fact that your path would not always be clear even when your destination was.
You’d need to bumble around and figure it out.
In the years since then, GPS devices came out.
Then “phones” even got GPS receivers embedded within them, and we now have data feeds of live traffic information, too.
We drive from point A to B without thinking much at all.
But the rest of life hasn’t gotten updated in that way.
Maybe it’s even gotten more unclear than it was. More uncertain.
It doesn’t make sense to scold yourself.
Every clear direction doesn’t come with a clear path.
Boom.
That’s my new favorite quote!
A clear direction doesn’t guarantee a clear path.
“That’s for damn sure,” I said.
If your path isn’t clear, it doesn’t mean you’re going the wrong way.
Expect to struggle.
Eventually the path will show.
You’re blazing it.
You’re the map-maker.
If you’re flailing around, figuring something out, it makes sense that you’re going slowly.
Celebrate that you know where you’re going.
Don’t fret about the fact that nobody cleared the path in front of you.
I told him that although I’m satisfied with how healthy and fit I am, I don’t actually enjoy the process of staying fit.
I dread it.
My first thought in the morning when I wake up is:
😩 Ugh! I don’t want to do pushups!
I’d like to shift my perspective to be more positive.
He offered a mantra that he likes:
“What’s a hill to a mountain-climber?”I don’t think that mantra will be a silver bullet and make me enjoy pushups, but I LOVE the thought.
It’s a reminder that we choose our struggles.
We don’t want to rehearse negative patterns and emotions so much that we create grooves in our brain that make them automatic.
We want our “default loops” to be empowering.
One way is to use depersonalization.
Our minds are full of involuntary chatter.
Most of us identify with those thoughts.
We label them as our thoughts.
There is power in labeling thoughts as not yours.
It can help to invent fictional characters.
Let’s make 2 right now: Elite Performance Coach and Drama Queen.
When my smart lamp clicks on in the morning (as my “alarm”), it’s not me who is saying “Get out of bed and go do 300 pushups.”
It’s Elite Performance Coach.
He says:
“You’re going to hate me now but love me later! Here we GOOO! This is what we do!!”
He provides structure. Tough love. Support. Inspiration. Energy.
Other times, thoughts from Drama Queen slip in.
They’re not my thoughts.
I need to label them.
“Oh, look who’s here. Funny to hear her chime in. She’s not going to take over today though.”
I’m also keeping in mind the famous idea that:
Happiness = Reality - Expectations
It doesn’t quite work as a math equation, or else these rearrangements would make more sense:
Reality = Happiness + Expectations
Expectations = Reality - Happiness
But the general point is:
Most of what happens in our lives is beyond our control. Outside our sphere of influence.
What we can control is our lens. Our perspective. Our acceptance of reality.
Do you complain and resist “what is,” or do you embrace it?
Are you able to focus on the areas that you can shift?
🕙 Recent posts:
🟢 if ___, you’re wasting your time
🟢 how to convince anyone of anything
👀 Caught my eye this week:
The lesson about labeling some of your thoughts as being from another character reminded me of Peter Attia sharing that he grew up full of rage and a mean, critical inner voice like Bobby Knight’s yelling at him all the time.
I love hearing about his transformation:
(7m48s video)
Ha, and I just found this old 30-second Minute Maid commercial I remembered.
This is one of the best commercials I’ve ever seen (funny if you remember Knight’s reputation for being demonic):
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Love the map metaphor, couldn't be more on point 🫶🏼
This made me smile and say “this is great”-too.