🟢 7 days into my new life and I'm freaking out

Identity crisis, Jennifer Aniston, Avril Lavigne, red pill vs blue pill, achieving vs exploring, my sadness for many people in the American corporate world, and my (selfish?) optimism for my own life

(4 min read)

I got laid off before Christmas. But this is not a sob story.

This would be terrible, especially since it became the 3rd Christmas in a row without a job.

But we’ve saved money well, and my partner also survived multiple rounds of layoffs at her job.

So, I allowed myself to truly enjoy ~3 weeks of various family members in town at different times throughout the holidays. 🎄

Going into it, I knew I wouldn’t muddy that time by stressing about job applications, networking, interviews, etc.

Just cherish the vacation.

Then, during that time, I decided not to look for another job at all.

I just can’t.

Every past employer of mine has always been thrilled with my contributions to the organization.

But that’s not enough.

In the world of software engineering and management, candidates pay thousands of dollars and spend hundreds of hours studying for how to pass job interviews that filter candidates based on criteria that are 0% correlated to success in actual the role. 🤮

It’s such a meaningless waste of everyone’s time (and harms the companies too, as I once wrote about).

It makes me sad about humanity.

I don’t think this is a case of smugness.

I just won’t sacrifice my values.

If that’s the price of the ticket to play the game, I’m out.

I only want to direct my energy towards actually creating something useful or delightful.

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But that’s just a side rant.

Because even once you jump through the hoops and join the typical American company…

You’re still going to be pressured to sacrifice your values, again and again, day after day.

Want to go on vacation? Ask permission.

Want to scale your work hours down permanently? Don’t even think about it.

And there is so much double-talk.

It reminds me of Jennifer Aniston in Office Space:

If you want me to wear 37 pieces of flair, why don’t you just make the minimum 37 pieces of flair?

Ever felt tempted to leave your Slack status as active even when you step away from your devices? I did too.

What’s up with that?

Yet we all have this question on our mind:

How are you complicit in creating the conditions you say you don't want?

It’s like complaining about a traffic jam when you’re in it.

You ARE traffic. You’re the problem.

So, I need to pull myself out of the gross system of American corporations.

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This post is public, so feel free to share it. 🙂

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It’s painful.

My whole life so far has consisted of the atrocious American school system (which trains you to sit still and follow rules)…

And then the American corporate world¹ (which trains you to make sacrifices and produce, produce, produce to help owners achieve their dreams).

That’s “normal”.

Have you had relatable role models for life paths that involve more fulfillment?

Am I the only one who feels like it’s rare?

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In recent days it’s been 🥶 2ºF wind-chill here in the Atlanta suburbs, and I found myself singing:

It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
I don't know who I am, but I...
I'm with you

- Avril Lavigne (sort of)

Funny that my subconscious altered the lyrics to omit some lines and swap in “I don't know who I am”. 😆

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But even though it’s painful and confusing, I feel…

Exhilarated. Honest. Curious. Open. Committed to the important questions.

Red pill vs blue pill

I’ve heard enough advice like:

🟢 Enjoy the journey

🟢 Take more risks

🟢 Years from now, the people who remember the long hours you put into your work won’t be your boss or clients but your kids or other loved ones. 😔

So here I am, 7 “work” days into my post-work life, reading books and asking myself questions about how I got so wrapped up in the achievement / money-earning game instead of prioritizing exploration, meaning, and enjoyment.

It’s a weird place to be.

Spending uncomfortable amounts of money on a mortgage, earning nothing, dedicating hours to writing a newsletter issue that only ~2 people will read.

Worse, I’m wondering if I’m (still) a hypocrite:

• Does the Profit More part of my “Work Less, Profit More” name feel inappropriate or astray now? Does profit even deserve to be on my mind?

• Would I really be writing and sharing my thoughts like this if I weren’t achievement-oriented?

• What kinds of people do I most want to connect with, if I’m not at all thinking about future earning potential?

I’m noticing a fear of becoming the “starving artist” stereotype.

Money does solve a lot of problems.

My partner and I already do live frugally.

I already did narrow my past job searches to opportunities that were actually interesting (not profit maximizing).

Do I really want to be more extreme than that?

Would that require down-sizing?

Moving to the middle of nowhere?

I doubt it.

But I’m spinning a bit. 🌀

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Before Day 1 of this new life, my plan was to post daily on LinkedIn to try to attract subscribers to this newsletter (which I publish on Tuesdays and Saturdays).

From there, I’d figure out how to sell digital products while working only 20 hours a week (and quitting LinkedIn).

By Day 7, I’m already questioning whether I can keep up with that schedule.

But the reason surprises me.

Most creators (e.g. newsletter writers) lack encouraging feedback from others in the beginning.

So I’ve already priced that in.

Obviously I’ve had that typical fear about how challenging will it be to persist.

A worry that maybe my plan wouldn’t gain traction and be effective.

The surprising risk:

I wonder if the more likely reason I’d be tempted to give up would be a nagging question:

Even if my approach is effective, is my heart in it?

Or am I just doing this in order to get to something else?

Am I still focused on the destination rather than the journey?

Is my highest joy really to sit at a computer and write a newsletter?

My current thinking is:

All of this anxiety is the point.

In my career, I’ve gotten better and better at navigating uncertainty in the tech startup world. Now…

I want to master ambiguity where it counts: my own life.

I want to build a habit of __________ even when it’s uncomfortable...

…Even though the habit itself won’t make it less comfortable in the future either.

Fill in the blank with any important habit.

E.g. honoring my emotions (and sometimes expressing them).

Courageous people aren’t the ones who fear less.

They’re the ones who regularly act despite the fear.

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So, for now at least, here is my plan (which isn’t too different from what it was):

• Explore whatever I want, as if I lived in a world where there were NO possibility of me earning income or receiving any kind of external validation.

  
  Am I even ABLE to think this way? I’m interested to try.

• Honestly reflect on what I care about. Get introspective, even when it’s scary territory.

• Write down my reflections, since writing helps clarify my thinking.

• Make friends.

• Savor the physical world more.

• Continue to consume less media of all types.

• Consider sharing what I’m learning about myself and the world (and connecting with people in general). Probably I’ll stick with my publishing plan unless I have a more serious reason to abandon that commitment.

I think this soul-seeking will be difficult.

But what could be more important.

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🕙 What we learned in recent posts:

🟢 How to gross $500k/yr as an amateur writer (or at least how to say Hi like one)

🟢 Exponential Growth From 0 📈

🟢 The power of slow, power of long, and power of 3 little lines

🟢 How writers hit 500k subs and make posts succeed

🟢 [See all posts]

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👀 Caught my eye this week:

The Pathless Path: Imagining a New Story For Work and Life by

Paul Millerd

is my favorite book in a while!

It’s encouraging me to persist through this fog of uncertainty, confusion, and doubt.

To have patience with myself. To question what the purpose of money is.

The Pathless Path sometimes features quotes like this one, which resonated with me:

To put it still more plainly: the desire for security and the feeling of insecurity are the same thing. To hold your breath is to lose your breath. A society based on the quest for security is nothing but a breath-retention contest in which everyone is as taut as a drum and as purple as a beet.
- Alan Watts, The Wisdom of Insecurity: A Message for an Age of Anxiety

Rick Rubin interviews have also caught my eye.

(1m25s. Rick Rubin interviewed by Andrew Huberman)

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💬 Question for you:

Have you navigated a similarly drastic life change? What resources helped?

Reply or leave a comment!

I’ll be so excited to write back to you.

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And if you've got a moment, I'd love to hear what you thought of this email.

Send me a quick message — I reply to every email ❤️

1. An exception to the corporate world was when Katie and I ran our Soulmate Strategy™ company. That was a stressful but exhilarating time that I remember fondly.