Identity crisis, Jennifer Aniston, Avril Lavigne, red pill vs blue pill, achieving vs exploring, my sadness for many people in the American corporate world, and my (selfish?) optimism for my own life
Ah! So much good stuff here, Ryan! Love these introspective self-knowledge moments (and posts!).
It's very natural to feel the way you are feeling, especially so early in your path. Not to scare you, as each of us has their timings, but it took me more than a year and a half to get comfortable with uncertainty, with not knowing whether I was doing the "correct" thing, or "my" thing, and leave that "I need to get money, and THIS MUCH to be ok" kind of thought and feeling. I kept my path anyway, with fear, and in the way I've learned to live with it and have let go of so much control, letting it flow. Simply ensuring that what I do feels good and I enjoy it fully. That is the key, I think. When I don't enjoy something, I take a turn, I keep trying things and searching for what feels good. Just like I left many jobs when I didn't enjoy them and took the leap to be a solopreneur when I didn't enjoy working corporate anymore.
A tip, if you haven't tried it, learn to meditate, but truly meditate. Go to yoga and learn their ways. That helped me so so much in my personal and solopreneur life, to be able to let go and be comfortable in the uncomfortable. That's the key.
Also, I love the Avril Lavigne and Rick Rubin's references. It's funny to me to see this guy now being such a wise man, when I used to study his rock music production style when I was studying and working as an audio engineer a life ago 😄
I do have some experience with meditating (even joined a sort of club in college, and then also experimented a lot when living in San Diego, including 21 days in a row of 2 hrs per day, which was trippy).
I think I want to bring that back into my life again. And more importantly, make other moments more meditative.
E.g. reading the Rubin book has led me to slow down and pay more attention when eating. If I can convert various guaranteed daily habits (such as eating) into meditative moments, that will help.
Wow, you have a past life as an audio engineer?! Sounds like you have a varied history.
Congratulations for getting to this point of time in your life! Some people call it the 'Fuck this' moment ☺️
Unfortunately I got mine only recently, just after my 50th Birthday 😒
I assume that you are much younger than me so I think you still have a long way in front of you, which is a big advantage.
I really encourage you to read a book called Unscripted by MJ Demarco. This book helped me found my way back to sanity and gave me confiction to start something I should've done 20 years ago.
You said you are a software engineer, me too, our kind has a lot of advantages today and the future, compared to the others.
So keep the dream alive, perseverance and move forward 😉
3rd Christmas in a row without a job? Curious to know more about this!
Funny that you mention this question "How are you complicit in creating the conditions you say you don't want?" I just asked it this week to one of the solopreneurs I interviewed: https://kennyalami.substack.com/p/benjamin-hyneck-interview
I think it's okay to be wrapped in some of those patterns. When I quit my job and started freelancing last Spring, I was clear that I would say yes to a bunch of things and work as much as possible. I knew back then that I would build up habits that I would need to deconstruct and nowadays I'm faced with the inertia of those habits. I'm glad to be aware of those and I also feel like it'll take some time with trial and error to find new ones that fit my preferences.
Re: 3 Christmasses, I got laid off from NEAR (crypto) last Dec. The Dec before that wasn't a layoff but was me having chosen to do some solo exploring that didn't end up going anywhere special.
Re: > "I knew back then that I would build up habits that I would need to deconstruct and nowadays I'm faced with the inertia of those habits. I'm glad to be aware of those and I also feel like it'll take some time with trial and error to find new ones that fit my preferences." Sounds like you're thinking about it in a good way.
Very coincidental! I’ve never gone through a layoff, how is it dealing with the emotions attached to it? I’m assuming there’s probably a grieving period after you’ve left.
Ah! So much good stuff here, Ryan! Love these introspective self-knowledge moments (and posts!).
It's very natural to feel the way you are feeling, especially so early in your path. Not to scare you, as each of us has their timings, but it took me more than a year and a half to get comfortable with uncertainty, with not knowing whether I was doing the "correct" thing, or "my" thing, and leave that "I need to get money, and THIS MUCH to be ok" kind of thought and feeling. I kept my path anyway, with fear, and in the way I've learned to live with it and have let go of so much control, letting it flow. Simply ensuring that what I do feels good and I enjoy it fully. That is the key, I think. When I don't enjoy something, I take a turn, I keep trying things and searching for what feels good. Just like I left many jobs when I didn't enjoy them and took the leap to be a solopreneur when I didn't enjoy working corporate anymore.
A tip, if you haven't tried it, learn to meditate, but truly meditate. Go to yoga and learn their ways. That helped me so so much in my personal and solopreneur life, to be able to let go and be comfortable in the uncomfortable. That's the key.
Also, I love the Avril Lavigne and Rick Rubin's references. It's funny to me to see this guy now being such a wise man, when I used to study his rock music production style when I was studying and working as an audio engineer a life ago 😄
Thanks for this very thoughtful reply, Sabrina!
I do have some experience with meditating (even joined a sort of club in college, and then also experimented a lot when living in San Diego, including 21 days in a row of 2 hrs per day, which was trippy).
I think I want to bring that back into my life again. And more importantly, make other moments more meditative.
E.g. reading the Rubin book has led me to slow down and pay more attention when eating. If I can convert various guaranteed daily habits (such as eating) into meditative moments, that will help.
Wow, you have a past life as an audio engineer?! Sounds like you have a varied history.
That's great then! 😊
And yes, I've done many things in my professional life 😁
Congratulations for getting to this point of time in your life! Some people call it the 'Fuck this' moment ☺️
Unfortunately I got mine only recently, just after my 50th Birthday 😒
I assume that you are much younger than me so I think you still have a long way in front of you, which is a big advantage.
I really encourage you to read a book called Unscripted by MJ Demarco. This book helped me found my way back to sanity and gave me confiction to start something I should've done 20 years ago.
You said you are a software engineer, me too, our kind has a lot of advantages today and the future, compared to the others.
So keep the dream alive, perseverance and move forward 😉
I've just subscribed to your Newsletter, btey.
Cool, yep, just turned 40.
Tried entrepreneurship for some years in my 30s, then went back to software engineering for years, and after getting laid off twice, it's time.
Thanks for the book recommendation, and thanks for subscribing! ☺️
3rd Christmas in a row without a job? Curious to know more about this!
Funny that you mention this question "How are you complicit in creating the conditions you say you don't want?" I just asked it this week to one of the solopreneurs I interviewed: https://kennyalami.substack.com/p/benjamin-hyneck-interview
I think it's okay to be wrapped in some of those patterns. When I quit my job and started freelancing last Spring, I was clear that I would say yes to a bunch of things and work as much as possible. I knew back then that I would build up habits that I would need to deconstruct and nowadays I'm faced with the inertia of those habits. I'm glad to be aware of those and I also feel like it'll take some time with trial and error to find new ones that fit my preferences.
Re: 3 Christmasses, I got laid off from NEAR (crypto) last Dec. The Dec before that wasn't a layoff but was me having chosen to do some solo exploring that didn't end up going anywhere special.
Re: > "I knew back then that I would build up habits that I would need to deconstruct and nowadays I'm faced with the inertia of those habits. I'm glad to be aware of those and I also feel like it'll take some time with trial and error to find new ones that fit my preferences." Sounds like you're thinking about it in a good way.
Very coincidental! I’ve never gone through a layoff, how is it dealing with the emotions attached to it? I’m assuming there’s probably a grieving period after you’ve left.
We've been "living below our means", which helped.