🟢 When a loss is a win
Silver linings / blessings in disguise / unexpected advantages. Plus detaching from emotions.
(3 min read)
It was a beautiful day.
We weren’t in a rush.
We were exploring and people-watching and enjoying the day.
Katie and I were visiting some city.
I don’t even remember which.
There was a sort of playground area where some kids were playing and others were milling around.
We noticed a woman tugging the leash of a dog who sat tall and very stubbornly, planting himself as firmly to the ground as he could.
The look on his face said “Please don’t make me leave! I really don’t want to go!”
The woman was pleading with him and coaxing him.
Negotiating.
Soothing.
Trying to appeal to him.
Eventually she had to pick him up because he absolutely refused to honor her wishes.
With her dog in her arms, she started walking in our general direction.
As she passed, she rolled her eyes and said:
“You know what’s funny?
He doesn’t know what he’s resisting.
We’re actually going to the dog park, which he’s going to love!”
My partner Katie and I are so glad we witnessed that moment.
We think about it almost every day and reference it all the time.
“Are you maybe actually going to the dog park?” we ask each other.
It snaps us back.
Not every experience that feels like a loss is actually a loss.
The Dalai Lama once said,
“Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.”
When was the unexpected better than what you expected?
Another way of thinking about it has been popularized by former FBI hostage negotiator Chris Voss.
“Never be so sure of what you want that you wouldn’t take something better.”
Same advice, and it’s spot on.
(Although for us, the dog park reference comes to mind easier.)
Chinese parable
Another way to remember this concept (of not focusing too much on what you think you want) is the ancient Chinese parable about the farmer.1
The Old Man Lost His Horse
There was an old man who had a beautiful horse.
This horse was not only his family’s pride and joy, but it was also a means to an income for the family.
One day, the horse ran away.
Fellow villagers visited the old man to give their condolences for such a stroke of bad luck, as the loss of his horse represented a staggering financial blow that would be hard to recover from.
“Good luck, bad luck: Who can tell?” replied the old man. “It is as it is. My horse is gone.”
Perplexed at the man’s nonchalance towards the apparent tragedy, the villagers went about their business.
A few days later, the horse returned with a pack of 12 wild horses in tow.
Again the villagers gathered, this time to offer their congratulations at such a stroke of good luck.
Now he had 12 more horses with which to make 12 times the income!
What a godsend, they said.
“Good luck, bad luck: Who can tell?” replied the old man again. “All I see is that 12 more horses have appeared.”
The next week, while breaking in one of the wild horses, the old man’s son fell and both his legs were broken.
What bad luck! The villagers exclaimed. Your son has broken both of his legs. That’s terrible. How will you get your work done? You are too old to do it yourself.
“Good luck, bad luck: Who can tell?” was the (now predictable and equally frustrating) answer of the old man. “My son has broken his legs. That is all I know.”
Shortly thereafter, the government forcibly removed all the able-bodied men from the village, as the country had gone to war.
The old man’s son, however, was spared since his legs were broken.
Good luck, bad luck: Who can tell?
Noticing emotions
Will there be 3 stages of my emotional life?
The first ~27 years of my life, I was emotionally oblivious.
I didn’t have a vocabulary to even speak about whatever I was feeling.
In the 2nd stage of my life, I’ve been more aware.
I can identify and label emotions in the moment: frustrated, disappointed, nervous, embarrassed, envious, inspired, eager, peaceful.
Perhaps I’m entering a 3rd stage of life, where I’ll be able to notice emotions but not identify with them.
E.g. Instead of “I’m impatient” or even “I feel impatient”, more like “There is impatience” or “I notice impatience”.
Feelings and thoughts pass like clouds.
We can acknowledge them without believing that we are them.
🕙 What we learned in recent posts:
🟢 We got rid of all of our possessions
👀 Caught my eye this week:
Andrew Yang seems SO MUCH smarter than most of the politicians the US has elected.
Great quick presentation about rank choice voting (the main goal of the Represent Us charity, which he doesn’t mention).
It really does seem like donations towards fixing the system (getting away from a 2-party duopoly) are more important than just supporting your favorite side.
If we keep it Democrats vs Republicans, we’ll just continue this nonsense forever (which incentivizes drama and sensationalism).
(10m39s video)
Reply or leave a comment!
The third stage sounds like a Stoic principle - being aware of and acknowledging your feelings while retaining control over your reactions to them.