The benefit of adult tantrums
What to do with all that emotion
(2 min read)
Have you ever seen a horse or other animal shake or huff or snort or blow or stomp or otherwise release tension?
It could be because they’re uncomfortable, such as after getting spooked.
They don’t bottle it up.
They express it.
They let it pass through.
You probably don’t do this.
At least in the culture I was raised in, we seem to tolerate (barely) when toddlers have “the terrible twos”, but we expect adults to be cool, calm, and collected all the time.
Otherwise it’s “inappropriate”.
Think about any time you’ve seen an adult throw a tantrum, for example.
Have you ever?
Can you recall ever witnessing an adult instantly erupting into tears, wailing, failing, throwing things to the ground?
Probably not.
(Side note — have you ever noticed how often people throw phones, cups, pans, TVs, etc in movies and TV? It’s infinitely more than I’ve seen in real life.)Anyway, I’m not advocating for acting childish and immature and irresponsible.
But I’ll share a nuanced observation based on a past chapter of my life where I learned about emotions the hard way.
Your thoughts are private, not public (obviously).
There is a difference between public expression and private expression of emotion.
There is a value to fully acknowledging emotions (even if you do not express them).
It wasn’t until this year (I’m 40) when I heard this interesting analogy:
There are certain body process (such as urination and defecation) that must happen, and although you aren’t born with a sense of how to control the time and place of those processes, you eventually learn.
Maybe it would be easiest to release now, but for various reasons (social appropriateness, hygiene, etc), you hold it till you are alone in a bathroom.
Emotions are similar.
Although they do not need to be expressed publicly, they probably should be expressed privately.
Or at a minimum, they need to be acknowledged with full attention.
Unfortunately, many adults hear just “Don’t be inappropriate” and then bottle everything up and put a lid on it so tight.
They deny their emotions.
This is a recipe for prolonged suffering of surprising varieties (with unpredictable timing).
In my case, it led to all sorts of chronic physical symptoms that doctors couldn’t figure out.
For other people, they may have different physical symptoms, or maybe it’s their mental state or relationships that will suffer.
In any case, if I could go back and teach my much younger self, one of the most important lessons would be:
Frequently ask yourself how you’re feeling. Really.
By the way, maybe you have a partner or a friend or another trusting relationship where you can be a bit inappropriate without fear of consequences.
Then GO FOR IT!
It’s so helpful.
Katie and I are getting better at using noises rather than words to express our reactions to a situation.
Language often gets too intellectual.
There are benefits to being visceral.
Feel it.
E.g. blowing raspberries or groaning or saying “Booooo!”
It adds so much levity and instantly feels better.
I remember watching a documentary years ago about how curse words have a similar effect.
If I recall, people who cursed a lot were better able to release stress.
I hope you don’t have much to be upset about, but when you do get upset, I hope you feel it and let it quickly takes its course through your body. 😉
P.S. When searching for a video of a horse releasing tension, I didn’t end up finding one worth of sharing, but I did come across this old meme.
The human being annoying to the goat isn’t fun, but I do find the goat’s honest responses to be refreshing.
(1m33s video)
🕙 Recent posts:
🟢 Harsh
👀 Caught my eye this week:
In my last post, I wrote about how maybe I should just resign to having tasks on my schedule that I don’t want (such as fitness every morning).
Because maybe always thinking about the “ideal” is painful.
But man, this graphic jumped out at me this week.
🗨️ Quote of the day
“As I allow my mood to improve, and as I choose to be generally cheerful and optimistic, I become more perceptive, and I attract better and better opportunities.”
I really loved this reminder Ryan!
I want to start using noises too!
The full acknowledgement part does stick out at me. I was told that the more you give your emotions the space to move through, the more it will just work itself out and not create any interference. A good book on this is Letting Go by David Hawkins.
And love the picture you shared about our schedules.